on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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