if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Say something about gay babies.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
