maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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