Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
