I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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