u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
