My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
