I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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