So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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