Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How external is "for external use only"?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
