The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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