i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
