There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
