don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Sacagawea was the original milf.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
