Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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