So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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