Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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