whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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