I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
