so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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