I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
