i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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