she woke up with a sticky ear
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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