there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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