Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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