i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
