i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Operation Purity has been aborted
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
