Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
