just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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