I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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