he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
