winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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