complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
