Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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