so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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