I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
