Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
