Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
