Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
