1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
