hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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