help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
