I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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