You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
