Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
