you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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