so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
