Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
