I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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