I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
