Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
